


Goodbye letter

by ads1008



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Letter, M/M, post 15x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29296032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ads1008/pseuds/ads1008
Summary: Dean finally worked up the nerve to go into Cas's room
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 18





	Goodbye letter

**Author's Note:**

> I hope yall enjoy

Dean hovered in front of the door that was Cas’s room. Cas had been gone only for a couple of days but to Dean, it felt like a lifetime. He never thought that he would lose the one man he loved. Again. Dean knew he should just walk away from the door and find another drink in the kitchen. He knew he should wait until after the end of the world wasn’t still ending. How could he care about that when his world already ended? Dean sucked in a breath walking into the room. The room looked like all of the other guest rooms, plain with the essentials. Cas didn’t keep a lot of stuff and what he did own he kept in his trench coat. Dean smiled at the thought of the little angel in his classic uniform. Dean often suggested that it could be more practical to wear something more hunter like. Cas would say he was fine that his outfit was who he was just like how Dean had his flannels. 

Dean walked farther into the room hoping to find at least one thing that could remind him of Cas. He wouldn’t believe that all of Cas was gone in the Empty and all that was left was the memories. The intangible memories that would often slip away as time went on. Dean stopped the desk looking for anything. He pulled every drawer open throwing the discarded piece throughout the room. Anger was setting in. The hollowness of his chest was filling with a scream. 

“Damnit, Cas! Why did you have to leave?” Dean shouted as his voice echoed throughout the quiet bunker. He knew Sam and Jack would hear him. Sam would try to come to check on him and do the bullshit routine. “We will get him back. Don’t worry Dean he’s came back before from there.” Dean often shrugs him off. Sam wasn’t there. He didn’t experience what he felt. This time was different. This time it didn’t feel possible to bring Cas back. It wasn’t like he didn’t want him back. He just didn’t want to get his hopes up. If he did, Dean doesn't know if he would survive this time around. 

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He stood up and locked the door so, he could just be alone. As he made his way back to the desk, he heard a crunch underneath his foot. He looked down and saw a sheet of paper with Cas’s handwriting. 

Dear Dean,   
I write this to you not knowing when my happiest moment will be but if you found this letter that means the empty has taken me and you know all about the deal. My happiest moment was lived, and it was lived with you. I don’t know this for a fact but in my heart, I know because whenever I am with you, I’m happy. There is so much I want to say, and I will get to that later on down the letter. Before I fully explain everything and why I did what I had to do. I just want to say I am sorry. You might be asking why I am apologizing for doing something I had to do. Why I am apologizing for saving you, which I’m not? I would save you every time. You mean everything to me and more. I am apologizing to you for leaving you. Leaving you to fight the monsters alone. Not the ones you have been fighting since the dawn of time but the monsters in your mind. The monsters in your heart. Telling you, you are no good. Telling you are the monster and a killer. Telling you that you don’t deserve happiness. That you don’t deserve peace when this is all over. You do, Dean. You deserve the world. 

As Dean kept reading, he fully understood the deal with the Empty. He understood why he did what he had to do. Cas needed to save Jack. Dean just wished that Cas would have told him. They could have figured out something together like they always do. “Stupid son of a bitch,” Dean muttered. 

Now that you know what I had to do and why I couldn’t tell you. I just hope you can forgive me. I hope you move on with your life and settle down. All I ever wanted you to see yourself as the man I see you. The bravest, the kindest, and the most selfless man that will ever live. You deserve the life of your dream.   
I love you, Dean. You changed me to become a better man. I was just a fallen angel who was a soldier of heaven. I was lost with no direction. I was only focused on the mission and completed the mission no matter what. Then you taught me life wasn’t all black and white. People are good and worth saving. That the means don’t always justify the cost. I know how you see yourself. Like you are the destroyer of worlds. That you are poison and everyone you love dies. You are a righteous man, Dean Winchester. You are holy. You are funny. You have a childlike spirit that no matter how much bad is thrown at you it’s still there.

Dean continued reading the words Cas sat down and wrote. He wondered when he did. Was this year old, a month, did he write this a day before his sacrifice knowing what he had to do. Dean was reading about a man that Cas fell in love with. Why couldn’t he see himself as this man? He wasn’t a good person. Hell, he could tell you ten things of all the reasons he screwed up in his life and that wouldn’t even be the tip of the iceberg. The man Cas was describing was soft and warm. That he could light up a thousand rooms with his smile. That he was a hero. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he read the end of the letter. Then a smile broke out across his face at the very last line and the inside joke that Cas ended the letter with. 

This might feel like a loss. Don’t think of my sacrifice as one. Think of this as an opportunity to help you go get your win. Goodbye, Dean.   
Love yours, Huckleberry.

Dean folded the letter up placing it in his jacket pocket. The same one he hadn’t taken off in days. He pulled out the one photo that he loved the most, the one from Dodge city. The day he always wanted to remember. The day he got the only win that ever mattered. 

“Thank you, Cas but you will also be my win,” Dean spoke out into the empty room. “I love you.” Dean turned to open the door to leave to find Sam halfway into a knocking motion. Dean saw the look that he was avoiding. The feeling of being tiptoed around. Sam opened his mouth to start to say something, but Dean cut him off with a shake of ahead. Sam nodded but didn’t move waiting for Dean to say something. To acknowledge the pain, he was feeling. Dean knew he wanted him to bare his soul and have counseling but he just wasn’t that kind of guy. Dean kept his face straight and plain. No anger. 

“Let’s get this son of a bitch and then find a way to bring him home.” Dean pushed past Sam without another word. They were going to find a way even if it meant taking his final breath. All Dean wanted was his Cas back home.


End file.
